7 More Things I Fucking Hate

I got bored of being in love years ago. Anyone can fall in love and get all dewy eyed watching The Notebook or similar gay shit. Falling in hate, now that's a fucking achievement. I'm not talking about being hateful in general: I'm no hate monger and I've never committed a hate crime. What I'm talking about is devoting a reasonable balance of my time and effort to hating certain things so as to even out all those lovey-dovey feelings. It doesn't mean I'm depressed or stressed or psychotic, I just believe all emotions should be valued equally, even the negative ones.
Luckily there seems to be an endless supply of things to piss me off about the world, allowing me to maintain an optimal level of healthy hatred. 

"HATE": it may be a strong word, but it's also the right one.

PMS

No, I don't suffer from it, but I sure as hell seem to suffer for it an awful lot.  The number of times in my working or social life where I suddenly have to deal with women's mood swings, cramping symptoms, crazy accusations, chocolate cravings and general douche-baggery is huge.  I know you can't prevent that shit without major surgery or the experimental menopause causing drug I'm currently working on ("Dry-Haven: for women who know when to just give up!"), but at least have the courtesy to warn the world when it strikes so I can wear ear-plugs and ignore every emotional outburst about how I think you're fat or something.  Please send me a copy of your menstrual calendar so I can arrange to be out to lunch or on a hunting trip when cotton-pony express approaches.

Facebook

I'm only going to say this once: Facebook is not real.  Any digital communication medium is just a tool, not a lifestyle.  You can lie and deceive and exploit FB just as much as you can express heart-felt truths and opinions.  Either way you're asking for trouble if you take any of that crap seriously.  Just look at that guy who murdered his wife somewhere after she changed her relationship status.  Or like the time I changed mine to "...in a relationship with Miffy the Goat," then had to upgrade the status to "It's complicated" after she died but before she got too cold.

Canned Sitcoms

Yes, all canned sit-coms suck.  Anything with canned laugh tracks or a canned studio audience sucks.  It's like being sent to a 'how to laugh' school for comedy with special needs.  Anyway, the funniest shit you'll ever see are the organic variety, stuff like Arrested Development and The Office - they require hard work and real acting to pay off.  I once got to sit in a studio audience for some kids' show.  Yes, I was a kid at the time, perverts!  It was called The Channel Niners (after the station that spawned it) or something equally creative.  The show ran after school and starred a couple of who-gives-a-fuck grown ups, and a pink, fluffy duck puppet.

His name was Winky Dink

It was while sitting in this drafty studio with 200 other 7 year olds that I first discovered that studio audiences were given great big, glowing cues tewlling them when to laugh or applaud.  Even at the time I thought "Fuck you, I'll only laugh or clap if I feel this shit is actually entertaining."

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: the death of comedy.

Blowjobs with teeth

Which is why I ask my lovers to remove theirs first.

Being rude to service staff

I don't care how hot you look, if I'm on a date with you and you're rude to a waitress I will go out of my way to fuck that waitress right in front of you because you're being a bitch. 

The same goes double for my caddy!

Don't try to apply some sort of superiority/dominanting power dynamic with the people serving you.  They're already servants, it says so in their job spec.  Plus there's the added risk they'll associate me with your crappy attitude and I'll end up with a pubic garnish on my meal.

Conspiracy theorists

I agree that 9-11 was a conspiracy: a conspiracy orchestrated by fucking terrorists.  Not the Government or Big Business or the Illuminati.  You losers just dream that shady men in secret bunkers plot to oppress the world because it's easier than taking responsibility for your own shit-boring, fucked up lives.

And, as you can clearly see in the encircled areads of this grainy image, the

CIA have used microwaves to - fuck it, just sleep with me already!?!

 
And, yes, we did land on the Moon a few times.  I'm sick of people who insist that 'The Moon Landing' was a hoax, mainly because they're too dumb to use the plural term - we had people land up there 6 times, idiots.  That's 6 moon landings, not one, so which 'The Moon Landing' are you referring to?  And as to why do we no longer visit the Moon?  Because there's nothing fucking there!

Serious, they drove all over the place and still didn't find any stage props 

or even the studio door.

Irrational radiation cancer scares
Every few years some dickwad communications engineering company will stir up the 'cell phones cause cancer' scare so they can sell their shitty shielding products to guillible consumers.  Yes, cell phones produce radiation - radio waves are how they fucking work.  But before you assume that your phone will tumourise your brain, take the 2 minutes necessary to check the difference between ionic and non-ionic radiation.  Same goes for micro-wave ovens, you ignoramuses  (especially you ignoramuses who thought the plural of 'ignoramus' was 'ignorami' - in Latin it's a verb, not a masculine noun, bitches!).  Just because you don't understand the fundamental science behind something doesn't make it evil.  Or maybe you'd like to go back to burning witches, huh?

Number of evidenced cancer cases from

cell phones + microwaves = 0

In fact, have a good, hard look at what you think is 'dangerous science stuff', you guillible fucks - power lines, nuclear reactors, stem cell research, petrol-driven cars.  Less than 10% of you know how any of that shit actually works, let alone what, if anything, makes it dangerous.  No, you just trust in whatever whack-job or con-man comes along and convinces you that it's bad for you somehow by playing on your ignorant fears.  Kinda like how Conquistadors scammed then fucked the Aztecs.  Yes, that guillible.

Grrr!  Aargh!  Just try to fucking think before you believe what you hear already!