Then again, our idea of male role-models in that decade was the cast of 90210, Jerry Seinfeld and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I'm surprised I still have a penis, to be quite honest.
PETA should be fed to the wolves
Rights abounded, even to animals, plants and politicians. I fucking hate PETA. Nealy as much as I respect and support the truly helpful RSPCA. I hate those wankers because they assume the moral high ground that is so far up in the clouds that their policies don't actually make sense. Meat is murder? Pet ownership is slavery? Insulin should be banned because it relies on animal testing to work properly? All animals should be freed? All animals should be freed!?! If you think humans can be cruel to fluffy critters, just wait until you see what they do to each other in an uncontrolled environment, you crazy fucks. You can't have animal utopia AND a food chain. That's the same as those ignorant jerks who fuck up their pets' health by forcing dogs to be vegetarian. You can't have freedom by enforcing counter-instinctual lifestyle changes, it kinda defeats the whole point. Most creatures are not designed to be nice, they're designed to fight for survival. And we will never treat pets as equals, not until I can lick my own balls and Rex can do my day job.
Thankfully PETA is so stupid that their idea of irony during an anti-dog show
campaign was to compare breeders to the KKK, which inflamed an entire nation
and lost them black support world-wide. Also, the KKK has nothing to do with
eugenics, dickheads, you're thinking of Nazis.
Now, if a human chooses to be vegetarian or vegan or suicidal breatharian then that's okay. That is an adult freedom of choice I fully support. Everybody wins in that scenario because the tofu crowd get to sleep at night and the rest of us get more meat. Protest the injustice of diet, trees, pets, pollution, race, sex and corporate greed as much as you want. I will always protect and defend your right to do so. While you're at it you can judge my chain-smoking, beer drinking, gun owning ass all you want as well, because until you are an actual judge in a real court of law it really, truly, absolutely doesn't matter to me.
The Sex Detective nevers judges, he just goes straight to the execution.
And now for some horrible example of what some religious people think a real man is:
The Found Footage Festival posted this on Youtube as a timely reminder of what would have happened if the good guys won - pure insanity.
Joe was just your average teenager, a white guy wandering around back lots in a gang-neutral bandana, pre-holed acidwash jeans and the type of leather jacket that real motorcyclists wouldn't spit on. He fumbled through life, masturbating to the latest issue of CARS BABES magazine (?), watching black and white homemade karate films and stalking a cheerleader. Then someone dropped their vinyl personal organiser on him and changed his life.
Pictured: Divine Intervention, the ring-binder edition.
Unfortunately the message didn't specify which god, so Joe just assumed it was Mopti the Violently Insane Eunuch Lord and altered his lifestyle accordingly. Seriously, have you ever seen such inexplicable anger? Tough-talking his own CD collection while eating it? Ripping posters off his walls? Disembowelling a television? Then he finishes up with an unprovoked assault while mumbling gibberish.
Goddies should be fed to the lions
In the early '90s I visited a Pentecostal church in my local neighbourhood, doing so for the best reason a young man has for doing anything worthwhile - boobies. They were actually really nice people, welcoming, cheery, enthusiastic and batshit crazy. But not dangerous crazy. Sure, they sang a lot about God doing nice things, spoke in tongues half the time, exorcised a few demons apparently, and occasionally tried to drown folks in a water tank, but apart from all that entertainment they seemed okay. Right up until the time they told me not to have sex before marriage, oh, and that I'm going to Hell if I do. Realising that I was now surrounded by untouchable boobies, and that, like vampires, these freaks thought they could just rock up to my house whenever they felt I was 'backsliding', I politely declined further invitations.
Apparently part of their code, similar to several other denominations, is to spread the Word and proselytize infidels. I think that earns them bonus God points or maybe a special badge. I was a Youthworker with street-kids at the time, so these people saw me as a golden PR opportunity to reach out to the most vulnerable of teens. See, apparently I was doing my job all wrong. Instead of providing service support, advocacy, health education, housing assistance, finding missing kids and battling pedophiles every night, I should have been telling my clients all about Jesus and giving them bibles. The price of their help was conversion. The kids were poor sinners who needed spiritual rescuing because they supposedly brought their fate upon themselves by letting demons into their heads. I'm not making this up, people, it was 1992 and I was being lectured about demons. In fact, there was a demon for every occasion: greed, lust, drugs, bad music, bad language, whatever these Goddies deemed untraditional behaviour. I was even accused of being possessed by a demon of Intellectualism. Intellectualism!?! When logic and reason become sins you can see where the whole argument falls apart. Preaching ignorance and mythology instead of the ability to make empowered decisions is pretty much the opposite of who I am. When I turned the preachies down (despite being offered the position of 'assistant youth leader' or 'star goblin-fairy in charge of unicorns' or something equally stupid), they did what the righteous always do when disappointed - they sulked, bitched and moaned. One even tried getting 'righteously angry' (which is kinda like normal angry only much funnier to watch) until he saw the axe-handle I kept next to the door. God's strength is no match for 1.2 metres of hickory, it seems.
But that's okay, I told them I forgave them for being dicks and closed the door. I'm pretty godly that way.
In closing I would like to share a clip from the awesomely underrated Boondocks 2 film that paints a much less confusing picture of manhood:
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