LPCover Lover is a museum of insanity, a taste of just how far we've evolved as a species in the last 50 years. Before VHS and cassette media, record publishers got to display their wares directly to the consumer on big flat bits of cardboard. Record stores were all mini art exhibitions, only without a curator or even an auditor. The closest you got to censorship was an individually applied strip of tape over some chick's boobs, and thanks to unlimited store access by schoolboys, that tape never lasted long.
What gets me is just how big the religious market was for records. Every evangelicist and redneck choir pressed and sold big vinyl discs on the premise that customers would find paradise, healing and peace with every purchase. The flip side of religion, of course, is that you need to throw in a little scare as well as salvation. Only thing was, back in the '60s and '70s the only limit on Christian horror themes was the imagination of the producers. As a result you ended up with some very confusing messages.
God of Blood & Doom
Unlike normal vampires, the Lord need only feed upon you once, puny mortals.
Aha! A cover covered in dripping blood to match the sanguine livery of His followers. In this context the message of beholding lambs becomes less of an invitation and more of a dire, occult threat.
And this... this is just fucking depressing. Who wants to be constantly reminded of mortality by these two?
Afraid that your city is about to get nuked? Don't be, just join me and my two rapey mates here in the forest where the transparent arms of our poorly sketched Creator can embrace you. Hell, why not invite your fat friend along for the ride?
The Cross and the Switchblade was an acclaimed story, no argument there, but why juxtapose a giant smiley Nicky face with what is clearly a brutal crime in progress?
Apparently God doesn't give a shit what drugs you do so long as you do them in his name. I mean, look, the junkie is shooting up
and holding open his Bible at the same time! Now that takes Faith, brothers and sisters.
God vs E.T.
When the Truncated Penismen of Probos IX land on your extremely small jetty you better be ready to salute them. In this inevitable scenario the Lord will then Saith unto Thee: "I never fucking created these wrinkly condom men, you're on your own, pal."
Do you the know the primary, defining difference between an accepted religion and a cult? Motherships. If your Pastor invites onto a flying saucer to spread the Word to Alpha Centauri then you're only one glass of funny-smelling cordial away from eternity. Also, real religions tend to employ proper cover artists for their records.
When you play this record you will only hear the following, brief answer: "Nothing, no mention of spaceships whatsoever, because it's the fucking Bible, not a comic book. Seriously, you had to buy a record to find this out?" The next 23 minutes is just a track of Jesus laughing in your face.
Horrible Things in the Name of Your God
Look at the visage of horror in that black woman's face. It's obvious that she's possessed and/or about to be lynched. Lucky for her a local representative of the White Christ is on hand to answer a few questions about the plague of racial possession that was sweeping 1950's America at the time. Sadly such brave preachers were eventually unable to exorcise the demons of Emancipation and Equal Rights in the end.
Oh what a surprise, this demonic host is also black. I'm not sure what sort of device the creepy white exorcist is about to ram in this kid's mouth but it seems to have a power cable, which can't be good.
It is in fact the final confession of this troll to the little girl's family before they dragged him to the Chair.
Sorry, way too easy, people. Next!
WHAT DID I JUST SAY!?
Welcome to the Church of Awesome
See what you've missed, Gen Y? Karate Church!
Who wouldn't want to see that? I'm not totally clear what a 'Karatist' is, but it's probably a mix of
karateka (the actual term for an exponent of the Japanese martial art) and a guitarist!
That means rock n' roll plus fists of soul, people. I may not be able to tell you how this guy resolves the whole Angry Christian/Shinto-based fighting style angle but I'm pretty sure that he just chopped 6 Bibles in half.
Not to be outdone by Mike Karatist Cain, Sensei Evangelist Dean here just power punched the last two remaining pieces of the Holy Cross in one go! Dissatisfied with normal karate, Father Blakeney prefers Kung-fu Karate, depsite them being two totally different things. How does he do this? Fuck you, pagan, that's how!
That means rock n' roll plus fists of soul, people. I may not be able to tell you how this guy resolves the whole Angry Christian/Shinto-based fighting style angle but I'm pretty sure that he just chopped 6 Bibles in half.
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