Do you have any idea how far we've come in the medium of animation? The Japanese dominated for a while there - Anime having become a nerd goldmine of insanity since the late '80s - but then Pixar, Dreamworks and Disney gave kids of all ages a reason to go to cinemas again with their 3D productions. Such is the evolution of turning cartoons into classic yet hi-tech masterpieces.
Of course, the religiously inclined inhabit an alternate, creationist universe where things don't evolve, they just stay the same in different ways over time. That's why religious programming is so bad, so cheaply made with poor production values, volunteer casts of non-actors, editing done by unskilled youth groups, and - by far worst of all - Kirk Cameron. I fucking hate Kirk Cameron. But that's a tale of horror for a different post.
I want you to meet The Wartleys, an animated series about a family and friends who teach us holy lessons through contemporary and painfully hip examples, each minisode capped off with a Bible quote. Let's set some character establishment right off the bat as we see Mrs Wartley have a pivotal discussion on contraception with her daughter, Abby:
When your mum ambushes you in the bathroom, waving around a condom voucher and speaking in circles, it's imperative that you shut her down immediately with some fantastic lie about your boyfriend not having a penis, even if you are dressed like a slut. Then soak up her gullible praise and change topic to road transport. "Thanks, mum, I love telling you exactly what you want to hear. Now, can I borrow your car to not fuck Adam?"
Of course, to appeal to modern kids you have to present modern dilemmas, but not before drumming up a little suspense:
See what I mean, kids? Adam is clearly in the shit with Abstinence Abby. And despite being set in a cartoon highschool, Adam is clearly in his 30's. Anyway, Kelly is an infidel which means she's intent on fucking Adam and feeling his soul-patch between her thighs. But no dice, Kelly, Adam is so distraught over his unmentionable crimes that he'd rather throw himself on the mercy of his Lord than get gobbies while watching Comedy Kings. Whatever disgusting sins he committed - attempted cripple rape is the obvious guess, though I'm not ruling out child porn - he needs to repent before the FBI find him.
Luckily I found the sequel to this cautionary tale, so let's see what kind of fucked up shit made him so damn remorseful:
Sneaking into the movies? Sorry, I mean, he suggested sneaking into the movies.? He didn't even do it? And now he seeks penance and forgiveness so he can continue to see a girl who won't fuck him before marriage? Shit, it would be lame enough to get wracked with spiritual guilt because you snuck in to watch some flick, but to get all bent out of shape for not actually doing the wrong thing? I can see now why Abby's chastity is safe.
But the Power of the Lord isn't just about imaginary guilt, it's also about imaginary protection spells, as is made eviodent when St Abby and Kelly the Pagan face a terrifying challenge:
Graveyards at night are scary, unless you believe in Jesus and "love the things that frighten you". Kelly isn't really afraid of the cemetary, not once her friend tells her God gives her anti-fear superpowers then starts praying for an army of angels to guard them both. What I don't get, though, is that if Kelly is truly scared of graveyards, why stop in the fucking middle of one to hold a theological discussion? Also, on top of the sound of owls hooting, I'm pretty sure I heard a wolf howling 20 seconds into the clip. Listen up, children, if you live in the suburbs, take a short-cut through a deserted and poorly lit graveyard, and then hear a wolf nearby, you have every right to be wary because there's a large carnivore prowling around who has lost its fear of humans. And given the social hardwiring of wolves, chances are it's not alone. In that case it is strongly advised that you reassure your Goddy friend of her magic powers then run like fuck. Remember, you don't need to outrun the pack, you only need to outrun Abby. Nature takes care of the rest.
And speaking of nature, Adam is trying every alternative when it comes to fighting his:
"Sorry, Abby, but I can't make it tonight. After talking to your cock-teasing friend I've decided to lie to you instead and catch up on some hard wanking because you're a frigid, cuntless bitch. But before I can do that I just need to bone up on what sex actually is by typing it into google and reading the wiki entry pertaining to that particular sin. I know God is watching me, but somehow that turns me on even more."
But this issue is not left unresolved. Help is at hand in the form of Pastor Swartz and his sage advice:
Hahahahahahahahaha! When the topic under discussion is a 30 year old retard compulsively masturbating to what he thinks is porn, the answer is obvious: just say no! Sure, there's a few innuendos thrown in - Adam talking about 'beating himself (up) all the time', Pastor Swartz telling him to 'dust himself off' and even a reference to a 'magic wand' - like they're speaking in pervert code. What I think's really sweet, though, is that the Pastor agrees to set Adam up with a suitable wank-buddy to talk explicitly about temptations and maybe swap links.
The Wartleys provide hours of entertainment for the religious and non-believer alike, because genuine Christain morality tales are almost indistinguishable from parodies thereof. Unfamiliar with satire and immune to irony, good-hearted, God-fearing media people are the unintentional yet flawless Comedy Kings of the internet. Bless them all.
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