Sex Detective vs My Smooth Legs hairless men bullshit

Like most real men whose genetic legacy originates from Northern Europe, my body grows hair.  My torso, legs, pelvis, head, face, even my nostrils.  Body hair is as natural as testicles when it comes to manhood characteristics.  Hell, even plenty of gay men agree, especially now that many of them carry on the manly legacy of the moustache.  To my gay, facially furred brothers: I salute you!

But in this age of androgeny and Spartan-style fitness regimes, body hair is under attack, by online ordering companies who dare to defy the natural order that has existed ever since cave-people labelled their public toilets 'hairy' and 'not-so-hairy'.

My Smooth Legs
Seriously, just typing that heading earned me divorce papers from my testicles.

I give you the My Smooth Legs product company, or the Death of Manly Hair Incorporated as I like to call them.  So, the product name is 'My Smooth Legs', even though it's not what the name suggests!  Because that would be transexually gay if it was.  No, this wantonly misnamed product removes hair from that other part of your body known as "all the rest".

But how does this miraculous, puberty-reversal thing work?  Follicle cancer?  Space alchemy?  Nano-bots?

Nope, micro-crystal particles, just like the ones you find on a Micro-Crystal Pad, apparently.  Just buff your hair off with the pad, and enjoy the bonus of exfoliation in the process.  You'll find that exfoliation is not an uncommon side-effect when trying to abrade your hair off with glorified sand-paper.

That's right, 100% more effective and 61% more gay then before.  All thanks to some new formula that was "*Tested and Proven USA". 

But what the hell does any of that mean?  If it's flecks of crystal glued to a pad, how is that an improved formula?  It's just more bits of crystal, surely.  And why are there twinkles on the buffed buff body of the Old Dominic Uni's Athletics Director pictured there?  Do the crystals get embedded in your skin?  And what's with his recommendation - a pic of 5 stars in quotation marks.  You can't quote pictograms, that's not how quoting works.

Now this is how quoting works:

No offence, Kaymennathan, USA, but your wife sounds like a horrible bitch if she makes you feel ashamed for producing testosterone.  If she prefers hairless lovers buy her a donkey with alopecia, or order some mould remover for her dildo.  No man should ever have to apologise for body hair, dammit, unless it's clogging a drain.

Hang on, it turns out that My Smooth Legs isn't just about aesthetics, it's designed to make your lifestyle more practical...

... provided your lifestyle involves international diving and not much else.  Kirsten and James insist that hairlessness is essential if you spend all your time in sea water due to hygiene issues.  That's why you don't see many hairy fish, because they all died from being unclean.  That's pretty much all the logic I can garner from their argument here.

I fucking love it when companies produce lines like "Research has shown that 92% of the female respondents surveyed said they prefer male partners to be less hairy..."  That's not research, assholes, it's a two question electronic spam survey that asked:

1. "Would you like your male partner to be more hairy?" and

2. "If you answered 'no' to question 1, is it because of hygiene or a fear of lycanthropy?" 

And the most common of reasons was 'sighted'?  Really?  I'm pretty sure you mean 'cited', because reasons are abstract nouns that can't be physically viewed, dickwads.

Lastly, we have all the bullshit reasons why scouring yourself with magic particles is preferable to every other option on the planet. 

The first tick assumes that you're already the sort of smooth-loving girlie-man who can't stand the thought of natural hair on your body, in which case you'll give this crap a go anyway as part of your daily, oiled up workout.

The second tick mentions exfoliation again.  Before this article I didn't know what that word even meant - peeling off dead skin, apparently.  Sounds charming.
 
Tick number 3 assures us that you can buff yourself anywhere you happen to be: at work, in the car, a prison shower block, where-ever the urge takes you.

Number four says you can do so without any nasty ouchies, because men who want baby smooth skin have the pain threshold of a flayed foetus.

Finally we get the dumbest reassurance of all: the old regrowth myth.  Ever been told that shaven hair grows back coarser while waxed hair regrows finer?  Ever been told that there is absolutely no evidence to back that up?  Waxed/zapped hair does take longer to grow back because the follicle has been destroyed and needs to regrow first, but after that all hair just grows like hair.  If the coarse hair shaving myth was true I would have to use a razor-coated belt sander on my chin by now.

Look, anything you can buy online for under $30 that claims to be superior to thousands of dollars of fricking laser treatment is bound to be fucked up on some level.  Remember the supposedly painless Epi-Lady hair puller-outerer?  Last time my girlfriend tried that she reflexively punched me out while I was applying bandages to her legs.

Fuck My Smooth Legs, and anyone else's for that matter.