Sex Detective vs Bully Bullies

It's tough being a bully in this day and age, and thanks to all sorts of baffling education and awareness training it's getting tougher all the time.  You can't even demand lunch money or initiate a quick wedgie any more without getting sent to therapy or being prescribed medication.  It was so much easier for Gen X bullies, back when all you had to do was to call someone a fag until he started punching himself.

The strategies employed today against schoolyard bullies is the result of years of research and behavioural psychology.  Peer education was the key, making anti-bullying a social norm in the school sub-culture.  But before that, back in the early '90s, a very different type of peer education was taking place.  Behold Bullysmart, a video made by kids for kids to learn what they thought was self-defence:



Yep, through a process of measured responses any little kid could dissuade physical bullying long enough to flee.  Provided the bully had particularly slow reactions, operated alone and was conveniently transferred to another school the following day.  This video proudly declares that the teenage senseis therein will teach you the 12 tactical techniques you need to prevail.  Tricks like:

1. Wear Safe Clothing

Technique: "Be sure never to wear the same clothing as that of the gang."
Because the last thing you want to be mistaken for is the member of a group renowned for fighting skills and loyal comraderie.  Best instead to don that polo shirt and make sure it's tucked deeply into your pants so you don't piss blood on it when the kidney kicks become too much.

2. The Artful Backstep

Technique: Step back as the bully tries to kick you. 

Despite being bigger, stronger, faster and waaay more proficient at kicking ass, most bullies have poor depth perception due to drugs or something.  As he clumsily lumbers forward with an ankle-high front kick simply step back a pace.  Rinse and reapeat until the bully tires or you run out of alley.  Make sure your arms are tightly fastened behind your back because you haven't been taught how to block yet and might hurt yourself.

3. Chicken Wing Block

Technique: Raise your hand to your head like you're smoothing back your hair, elbow extended.

This defence resolves any physical conflict very quickly because even if the bully misses with his punch, the sheer force of his forward momentum will send your hair-teasing palm through your skull.

4. The Stop Sign

Technique: Raise your hand palm out and command the bully to cease all violent activity.

Unless you happen to be dressed like a traffic cop who is also a real traffic cop, like with a baton, mace and gun that uses live ammo, then you may not want this to be your finishing move in a fight.

5. The Hair Pull

Technique: Grab two fistfuls of hair then wrench the bully onto the ground.
Hmmm, I think they mentioned at the start of the video that your average bully will be bigger and stronger than you, and probably less of a pussy.  I recommend that you consider this move as you would drunken sex: unless your bully explicitly asks for hair-pulling, the chance of such an action decreasing the likelihood of violence is remote.

6. The Face Slap

Technique: Slap him inna face!
An open-hand slap to the cheek is pretty much the most emasculating gesture your can perform to another male without actually getting semen on his face.  The good news is that any bully willing enough to let you jump up and bat at his face with your puny hand already has a secret crush on you.

7. The Groin Slap

Technique: Slap him inna balls!
While a gentle slap may be considered flirtatious in the bully community, trying to lunge for third base on a first date is seen as tres gauche.  Don't be surprised if he never calls, texts or speaks to you again.

8. The Foot stomp

Technique: Step on his foot.  That's it.
As your tiny, sneakered sole bumps ineffectually against his giant steel-capped boot you will actually confuse the bully.  Are you asking him to dance, or testing to see if he's a Freemason?  Such questions will haunt and bemuse his thoughts long after your ambulance arrives.

9. Biting

Technique: While head-locked turn your face into his chest and bite him.
Nipple biting?  That's your tip?  Just start chewing on his boob?  Excellent.

10. Lying down (?)

Technique: If pushed to the ground remain on your back or side and fend the bully off with your feet.
This maneuvre works just fine, provided the bully is alone, doesn't find a big stick, grab your out-stretched limb, jump on you, or bores easily.  Many fights end up on the ground, but only because both fighters are down there grappling away.  If you fall down and then choose to remain prone while some guy twice your size circles you like a beefy vulture, then your only weapon is pity.  This move is made all the more depressing hilarious when Sensei Teen Girl adds, "Be sure not to lie on our stomach otherwise he'll bounce your head off the kerb."

11. Throwing...stuff

Technique: Wait until the bully gets within range then throw you candy in his face.
According to the demonstration candy affects bullies like pepper spray, sending them reeling, dazed and disoriented.  Of course, unless you happen to have a bag of lead-cored, shuriken candy in hand, all you've really done is offered him a dowry to a fist-wedding.

12. Rolled up magazine

Technique: Poke the bully with a rolled up magazine.
In the right hands, and with enough surprise, a tightly rolled magazine can be a mildly effective weapon.  Unfortunately it's in your hands, pussy meat, so all you're doing is teasing his literacy needs.  The problem with such a 'weapon' is that it requires both hands to be of any use, tying up any defensive options you had against a guy with greater reach and an entire library of pain to lend you.

Sex Detective Bully Advice
You only get pushed around for as long as you don't push back.  A hysterical bitch-fit using the above techniques may buy you a 3 second head start if your bully is easily distracted, but it doesn't address the real problem, which is: the next day.  Bullies do what they do because they suffer from an inflated sense of self-esteem and entitlement (and not 'low confidence' issues as some powerless soft-cocks would have you believe).  They typically have an entourage of beta males in tow to block your escape or track you down.  That's why fleeing is not an ongoing option.  There is ultimately no escape.  Also, bullies tend to be smarter than you might think.  They will maintain a campaign of psychological terror in between the occasional opportunity to rough you up without consequence.  Make no mistake, this is a war of wills and wits.  Your enemy is bigger and better resourced with personnel and fists.  A toe-to-toe show down will end badly, no matter how many teenage karate films you watch.

Instead you have to do what all successful underdogs in warfare have done - get all sneaky guerilla on that sonovabitch.  That means using whatever you have on hand to improvise a means of inflicting pain and suffering as a significant deterrent.  On an unrelated topic, here is some random information that should never be taken out of context and misused.

Fact: Most school chem labs have a liquid compound used to test acidity called Phenolphthalein.  As a weak acid itself, it won't harm human skin, but even a few drops squirted into a drink or an open mouth will have extreme, even dangerous, laxative effects.  Just saying.

Fact: A fine, well shaken mix of chili powder and 50%+ ethyl-alcohol solution in any spray device has the same effect as pepper spray because that's all it is. Now picture that exact same mix in a water ballon.  Starting to get the picture?  The alcohol evaporates quickly so the chili particles cling to whatever they hit, especially mucus linings.  You know, for the sake of argument.

Observation: Here's something akin to irony: someone (who may or may not be a bully) asks for your lunch money and you oblige by giving him this in the face...

Remember to spend the money immediately after.

Also, did you know that coin-sized lacerations to the forehead bleed very profusely due to the sheer number of capillaries present?  And that blood causes painful blindness if it drips into your eyes due to the salt content?  Just something to keep in mind, I guess.