The Sex Detective's Guide to Breaking Up, part two

And now, pursuant to part one of this process, we look at what to do if you're a male dumpee.

Not only is this sad and poetic, it also makes very little sense when

you think about it.

Man vs Woman

Men - and by which I mean masculine men, not those guys who wax body parts, get picky about shoes or call aftershave 'cologne' - men tend to get a little confused and uncomfortable about emotional sex-based relationships with women. We fall for easy traps, especially those laced with guilt because many of us pretend to think that we follow a code of honour that dates back to the days of chivalry.  Action movies and comic books tell us that we always want to be the good guy, and anyone following such a shallow delusion is incredibly easy to manipulate. Combine that with our awful habit of making blanket statements about what are otherwise complicated emotional issues, and you end up with a well-meaning gorilla trying to perform origami when it comes to relationship conflict.

In times of emotive duress women tend to think on multiple levels at once, while we're lucky if we can manage one. We're also useless at processing and acknowledging the warning signs. Women tend to drop increasingly significant hints when they are dissatisfied with a relationship. Us guys do pick up on this but then a set of insane defence parameters kick in:

• Firstly we opt for Contingency One: evade & deny the issue in the hope that it's just hormonal or venting or something else of a temporary and self-correcting nature.
• When that fails we engage Contingency Two: arguing back about whatever we interpret the issue to be when in fact we're challenging the symptoms, not the cause of the problem.
• Next comes Contingency Three: apologise for not understanding while still not really understanding anyway, as is extremely evident by the "if you don't know what's wrong then I'm not going to tell you" responses coming our way.
• Finally there is Contingency Four: realisation that the reason she had a problem with us was because we did something repeatedly dickish, then tried to deny or evade it, then argued that it was somehow her fault, then apologised about the wrong thing entirely. This epiphany typically strikes days or weeks after she's already left and is now dating someone with cologne and nice shoes.

Man vs Break Up

Is there anything more depressing and annoying than a dumped guy?  Seriously?  Grief is never pleasant, and a weepy, morose, self-pitying dude is particularly unpleasant.  Luckily we tend to have a few rituals in store for any of our brethren who get shafted by their former love.

1. Bust that dam!
If your mate has been dumped and he's all upset and confused and depressed about it then the first thing to do is get him in an emotionally vulnerable state.  Sure, you could spring for a psychologist or something, but alcohol is cheaper and faster acting.  Booze naturally makes us philosophical and lowers our inhibitions.  It makes us irrational, emotive and recklessly expressive, setting us up for the next step...

2. Howl at the Moon!
Once a man is suitably liquored up it's time to vent.  Not bitchy, moany girlie venting - that shit's for moany, bitchy girlies.  Real venting is primal, incorporating rage, loss and sorrow.  It's in the raucous songs of vikings, the roar of lions, the chest-thumping of gorillas, the war cries of barbarian hordes.  It's cursing the skies, blaspheming against ancient, uncaring gods, bellowing to the world that you are MAN, the hunter and warrior who has earned the right to declare your grief to the cosmos.  It's also around this time that you'll start purging in a less metaphorical fashion, but don't let your puking diminish the symbolism.

Remember, you're a lone wolf, a mighty beast expelling your anguish in a...a rush...

of - hang on, is that a duck casually floating by in the bottom left corner?  And

why is the wolf on a tiny island?  Also, wouldn't bad things happen to tides and

stuff is the Moon was so close to the Earth?

3. Recovery!
Now, if you've followed this incredibly simple ritual so far (seriously, dude, there's like only 3 steps) then you should awaken the next day as a wreck.  Your head should throb with pain, your stomach should be churning, and your voice should be hoarse from all that howling.  You now lie in the ruins (and possibly filth) of your old life.  There is nothing left to do but rebuild it and rise from the ashes.  And for fuck's sake, put some pants on.

Or you can embrace your misery, wear defeat like a cloak, develop a crippling drug addiction, lose everything you ever owned then die a horribly worthless and obscure death.

But let's assume for a moment that you don't die.  Then it's time to get back into the fight that is your life.  Keep busy, work hard, and get a hobby - no, not scrap-booking, you dainty idiot, a real hobby that men do, like fishing or building stuff or karate.  You know, shit that gives you a sense of progress and achievement so that at the end of the day you can proudly claim: "I built a boat, sailed into deep waters, and karated the fuck out of some fish!  Booyah!"

Hey, the idea was sound until I remembered just how much Ralph Macchio

emasculated martial arts.

That bit is important, and not just as a substitute for your snivelly cry time.  Manly hobbies and recreation will serve you well in your next relationship.  For a start an outside interest reduces the likelihood of you otherwise sitting around the house annoying your new girlfriend.  Plus girls really appreciate a guy who's passionate about something other than being a mewling pussy.  Any pursuit that gives you an ongoing, physically tangible, sense of incremental success naturally boosts your confidence, and that makes you more likeable anyway.

Or you can just forget about manliness and become a 12th level Wizard-

Elf-Cleric-Angel and trade your balls for a +3 Rubbersword.

Just don't go overboard and get all hoardy and cultish about it.  It's meant to be complementary to working and loving hard, not an all-consuming obsession that robs time and energy from the rest of your life.  You can be passionate without being preoccupied, you know.

Weirdo.